It’d just be nice if I could stop doing this. If I could just start being normal.

I keep thinking that I’m going to be this messed up forever. That my constant relationship fuck-ups teamed up with the other bullshit that I just can’t seem to give up will really be the end of everything. I will end up meeting the most amazing man on the planet, and just be so confused I’ll end up pushing him away, like I did with the last one. Sure, everyone says I’ll find someone that will fill all the spaces up, because there are so many empty spaces, but there are also spaces I have already filled that need to be re-filled with the right person. What if it happens again? Like a drug I just can’t seem to quit.

I ended up hating myself to the point where I broke. Every part of me broke. My mind. My heart. I broke down in an extremely public place and my best friend couldn’t understand what was happening to me, and ended up just yelling at me and walking off, which made everything hurt even more.

What a contridicting title, huh?

You’ve already given enough of yourself away, so chin up. Just be patient. The time will come.

Today I am planning on applying for my P2s. I’m kind of excited, because it means no plates and less chance of a fine for going the ~actual~ speed limit on the freeway. I’m just your average driver, I guess. I sure as hell haven’t been a goody-two-shoes. I speed. All the time. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about going fast, and being a tiny bit reckless, that makes me happy. I am sometimes one of those kids who gives P platers a bad reputation.

But I have no idea where I would have been without my licence and my car this year. I rely on it way too much. Fuel eats away at my savings. It’s my own fault. I really should stop driving everywhere. It’s bad for the environment. It’s just so goddamn convenient. I LOVE the convenience. The public transport system in Adelaide is SHIT. Oh man. It’d probably take me 2 hours to get to work if I didn’t have a car. Which again, is my fault for having a new job that is so far away.

But now I’m at the point where I feel like I’m above using public transport. Like I’m better than that. And sure, I myself can afford to pay for fuel, but I don’t think that I really can afford to feel that way when the shit coming from the exhaust pipe of my fuel guzzling Commodore is part of what’s damaging the Earth’s climate.

SO, my new years resolution for 2011 will be to try and reduce my own use of my car. I will not drive to the train station. I will take buses and trains whenever I can. I will try to only spend 20 dollars a week on fuel (I used 80 dollars worth this last week), and if I run out of fuel during that week I will not top up until the start of the next week (unless I desperately have to get to work).

Lets see how it goes, yeah?

Would you hook up with the last boy you texted? Awh, he’s cute, but I don’t really know him.

When was the last time you were told you were cute? Saturday.

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life? Um, my 17th birthday.

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? Shopping. I haven’t properly shopped in a long time.

What is your relationship status? Single!

Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now? Summer love would be fun.

What is your background on your phone? It’s a default dark blue Nokia background.

What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? A friend.

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you? … Recently? No. But yes.

Has the last person you kissed ever told you they love you? Yes.

Do you still pinky promise? Yep.

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? Monday.

What are you listening to right now? Nothing.

Your best friend has sex with your ex, so what happens? People don’t usually have sex with themselves…

Have you taken off someones pants lately? Sure. Guys that wear button-up jeans SUCK.

Your friend kisses the boy/girl you like? I’d have a whine about it and then decided whether he’s worth it and then man the fuck up and actually ask him out.

Honestly who was the last person to tell you they love you? Jacob. Best best friend ever.

Is it possible to be single and happy? Yes.

Do you find piercings attractive? Mmm yes and no.

Have you ever kissed underneath the stars? Yes.

Do you miss your past? Yes, but my future is looking fun too.

What did you do today? Listened to music, watched Glee, cleaned stuff, swore my ass off at ETSA because of a blackout. The usual.

Ever been in love? Nope.

What will you do in two hours? Sleep!

Whats on your bed right now? Me.

Where did you sleep last night? My bed.

Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Not usually.

Are you happy with the way things are? Things are a little bit … getting there?

Do you always answer your texts? Yep.

Are you happier now? Or were you happier 4 months ago? Definitely now. August was so fucking shit.

In the past week, have you cried? Yup.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009? No fucking way.

It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? I don’t get calls at dumb hours.

Do you like your phone? Yus. E71′s are the bob-omb!

If you woke up naked next to the last person you text what would you say? I’d be confused as hell, but I guess I’d say hi?

What are the main websites you go on? Tumblr!

Would you be able to name everyone you have kissed in ‘10? Yes!

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind? Yeeep.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yep.

I’m not happy with my weekend. What happened. What should of happened and didn’t. The disappointment.

On Friday I almost became the one thing I never wanted to become. It’s quiet a horrible thought. It was a great night. Up until the last … 30 minutes. I have no idea what made me do the things I did. I guess I felt frustrated. I’m 18 years old and all I really want is to find a lovely boy, and spend days at a time just falling in love. I cringed at that last word. It sounds so fucking lame. I am not the kind of girl who needs someone else. I’m social. I have a whole bunch of friends that keep me busy. I love them all. And I wish I saw them all more.

I don’t know what I’m trying to write.

Maybe I should make a wish. I already made one at 11:11, but it didn’t come true.

I wish that someone will sweep me off my feet sometime soon.

…Maybe if I play my cards right.

Oh boy, my mind sure went off into distant places in this post.

I thought we’d at least stay friends. But he deserves to be given hell for the way he treated me. I don’t know why I only realise this now. I don’t know why I just ignored the problem for so long. It’s probably because I really, really want to not have anything left to say to the losers that are in my past. And this guy, he really was a loser. A player. Fuck, I feel like such an idiot.

There are so many nice guys out there, so many. And I’ve been out of the game for so long, I think I just want back in.

Over and out.

Dedicated for this,
Pull me back,
Say it to the skies,
Dreams pour through the cracks

Now I see,
I went too far,
Save us from those habits,
That all belonged to me

I won’t apologise,
Those things I’ve done,
I was in it alone,
And you never mattered

The crime is done,
I won’t do time,
Chance means less than fate,
It was easy to let this end.

This is my own work, please credit Jessica Joan Masters and link to this blog if posting it somewhere else. Thank you.
The first line of this poem does indeed refer to Aldous Huxley’s novel Brave New World. Give it a read some time.

I’ve noticed a change in myself, and I’m not sure if it’s one that I like.  I used to be so excited when there was a party coming up, or whatever, and now I just keep feeling like it’s too hard and I’d rather stay home and watch movies with the one or two people I see every single week. I feel like I’ve slowly lost interest in every other person I used to hang out with. I know I’ve completely lost interest in my primary school friends. One I keep meaning to catch up with, but it never happens, and one I do see, but I’m just not interested in what’s going on with her. I feel like a massive big hole has been created between all the people I used to hang out with at school and little old me. Because either we all live too far away from each other, they don’t believe I care about the causes they’re interested in or what they’re up to, or one side just can’t be bothered.

I was excited to go out tonight. As much as I was hoping my closest friends would come, I was kind of buzzed to be going out to see people I hadn’t seen in the longest time. And to be just me, in a crowd. I had made plans to get there weeks ago with my dad, but because of my trouble making brother, he and dad are going down to Pt. Elliot tonight, leaving me stranded. If I had been paid this week it might have been different. I would have been able to afford to drive there myself.

My parents have said before “This is the last time we’re giving you money for petrol, next time, if you can’t afford to go, you’re just gonna have to deal with it”. They’ve said this a couple of times though, so I’ll probably be pushing it to ask them to slide me a 20 or whatever. I’m just so sick of things changing. I’m sick of plans changing. I know I’ll regret not going, but I’m just too tired to care at this point. I’m just scared I’m going to regret this whole year, how I’ve spent my spare time.

I have to shut up now. I really do.

Over and out.

Anyway, enough of that. Last week Monday I had my first trial for a new full time job at a rather big gourmet deli that’s super-far away from my house, but I love it. It’s all women, but no gossip. No. Gossip. But, eh, it’s gonna make it harder to meet nice young guys. I don’t think many guys would come up to the store to buy deli meats, unless their with their mum or something. Which reminds me, I had my first shift back at KFC last night, and I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in such a long time. I was in kind of a giggly mood already when I got there, but Zoe and I had the funniest time, even if the shift was a shift from hell. Funny story, a really gorgeous guy that had just finished work at Woolies – across the street – came in and ordered some sort of promotional meal, and Zoe had to cook it up, as she was doing it she kept repeating ‘This is the best so-and-so ever, it’s going to be delicious.’ and so when I handed it out I was just like ‘So, apparently this is the best so-and-so ever, I hope you enjoy it’ and he laughed his head off, cause he’d heard her saying it as she was making it. I thought he’d left the store so I went around to Zoe and jumped up and down and was laughing and was just like ‘He is so adorable and cute and nice!!’ quite loudly, because I thought nobody was in the store.

Long story short, I go into the dining room to sweep up and I see him sitting there with the dumbest grin on his face and I couldn’t help but go outside, laugh my head off, compose myself and then go back in to sweep up. … Cool story bro. Right? Typical me. Well I had fun. :3 I also had my second trial shift for my new job yesterday as well. Was super awesome. I am excited.

On ze weekend I had Jacob, Kara, Fi and Rhys over and we had cocktails and nachos and pizza and appleberry pie and watched movies and went driving and it was so much fun. :3

Ah blah, I’m tired of writing.

Over and out.

And when the moment’s gone then I’ll be all alone.

The thing is, I think I started avoided using this blog because everything I wrote about wasn’t what I wanted to write about. It was a cover up, and I felt guilty, because I felt like I was lying to myself. And you know what? I still can’t write it down. I can’t put it down in my diary and I can’t put it down here.

Well, another day, another dollar (another colour). Someday I’ll be able to write, and not hold back.

I’ll get there soon enough, but for now, I’m gonna stick to rambling about travel and jobs and paying full price for bus tickets.